Apartment complex party dream

Just wanted to quickly jot down my dream before it’s completely gone from my waking conscious.  I was living in some kind of apartment complex.  I threw a party for my birthday I guess.  It took place in this outside area of the complex meant for parties and gatherings.  It was under one of those wooden roofs but no walls, open to the outside, maybe like a glorified car park? no idea what to call them.  It was a big space and pretty with lots of green foliage.  It was right off of a busy street.  The party got really wild.  Lots of people and strangers showing up.  I remember a huge group of fun goth/punk people showing up.  Late in the night the landlord showed up, it was some handsome male celebrity but I can’t remember which one.  Someone like Joe Rogen, someone like that.  He was upset the party got so chaotic and there was a huge mess being made.  There was actually an open air amphitheater/stage just on the other side of the party area.  All the goths were converging in there and there was a some goth band performing.  The landlord was totally freaked out all this was happening.  Apparently there was supposed to be some church service held there in the morning.  I was able to sweet talk him and tell him I sympathized with him, I was very sorry, and I would have it all cleaned up.  This seemed to satisfy his concerns and he left.  Meanwhile I was having a blast with the goths.  I was flirting and sitting on a cute guys lap. I was having the time of my life.  That’s pretty much all I remember.  I remember the party dwindling down in the morning hours and the goths weren’t leaving.  I wasn’t too concerned however.   The dream lasted most of the night I think.  I was so fun! 5 star dream!  ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️⭐️⭐️

I had a dream of love and colors..

Just wanted to jot down my dream before I forget it.  The first part I was in some kind of class with a male teacher.  This part lasted what seemed like a long time in the dream, like an actual class, just doing some type of classwork and interacting with the other students and the teacher.  When the class was over it was a classic type of dream where I wander around the dream city, which always mirrors my actual city that I live in, I guess trying to either find where I parked or trying to find my way home.  But I consider this dream a good dream.  The best way to describe my dreams are through feelings, more than anything else.  More than imagery, or words...so really in  a way there is never any way I can ever properly relay my dreams to anyone because the most descriptive part of  the dream is the feelings.  But this dream was a good dream  because the feelings they invoked and recall when I think of this dream are good feelings.  At some point on may journey home I run into my uncle Chris.  This must be because in waking life I have been thinking of him in the last couple of days and just how much I love and care about him and how I never see him and I wish I did see him more and I really miss our bonding sessions that we have had in the past.  We are a lot alike in many ways.  I don't really visit him though because he is an incessant smoker and and smokes in his house and I just can't handle being in that environment.  It is stifling in so many ways, physically as well as spiritually in my opinion.  That is why I have been thinking of him lately, because I worry about him a lot.  He just surrounds himself in negativity, he drinks a 12 pack or more of beer a night and chain smokes and watches television and that is his life when he is home. 8 I was at his house hanging out with him and he was drunk and we were having one of our deep talks and he told me he felt like he needed something more, something spiritual, and I remember telling him he should go to this Buddhist retreat I know of.  He seemed interested.  But that was a long time ago and we never talked about it again.  But because of that conversation, I know that longing is there in him.  I know he feels that void that comes with not having any kind of spirituality.  Who knows?   Things could be different now, I don't know.  I haven't really bonded with him in a long time.  Anyways, back to the dream, I ran into him and it was very very pleasant.  We walked around and we were having one of our good talks the whole time and we were walking by places in town that I hadn't seen since my childhood.  We walked by some place that was now shut down, but used to be a place in the dream that he and my aunt, his now ex-wife, used to take me to as a child and made many happy memories.  It was so good and surprising to see this place in my dream.  I had totally forgotten about its existence.  In reality, I did used to go and spend nights with them as a little girl and these are very fond memories.  We talked about the times we had in this place...and like I said before, just good positive feelings of love flood this dream.  Good dreams.  For all of the dark things I have been reading about lately about this world, I am grateful to be having good dreams.  Dreams of love and family and unity...there have been some unpleasant short dreams thrown in there.  But overall they are good dreams.  My dream life can be such a place of beauty and is the one things in this world that allows me to realize how I might possibly perceive heaven or nirvana or a place utmost love and beauty. God, if you will.  Just essence, pure essence. This brings me the most happiness in this world...these dreams. The best ones can fuel my whole day with a positivity.

god? goddess? does anyone ever listen to me?

my son keeps having seizures.  he had his third one last sunday while we were at disneyland.  i'm not ok.  why does this have to be happening?  i don' t understand.  i try to pray.  i try to be good.  i question...i try so so hard to be a good person...everything i do i do out of love.  love of my fellow man...i pray...i don't even know who to pray to so i just pray to all the gods, hoping atleast maybe one of them will be the right one.  the one that actually does exist and really is hearing me.  i'm trying to cover all of them, so i won't get it  w rong.  and yet...shit just keeps happening.  i was told 'think positive and positive things will happen!'  nothing works.  i'm starting to feel like it's all bullshit.  i'm starting to understand why atheists are atheists.  all i hear about is evil in the world.  the evil evil people.  the world disgusts me.  man disgusts me.  we once had a beautiful world.  paradise on earth.  but man had to shit on it and fuck it up and ruin it for everyone.  greed greed greed runs the world right now.  selfishness.  the earth is bloated with our filth.  i was so blessed to be given this beautiful child, the most wonderful, awesome, most amazing thing to ever happen to me in my entire life.  and now i just worry about him.  i don't know what to do.  i don't know what to do.  god...if you do exist...i don't know what to do anymore...but my almost non existent faith is wearing thin....this child is the only thing that brings me any joy in my life.  he has a golden aura.  he has the face of an angel.  i feel the presence of god and heaven when i look into his incredible eyes.  i am clinging to him.  and who knows what i'm even doing to him with my extreme clinging....how will he turn out.  i just feel like i need to saved.  someone save me.  please.  i'm tired of always trying to save myself.  it's not doinganything.  i have to take benzos to keep from totally freaking out and i don't want that.  i don't want to always be on benzos.  fuck those fucking one percenter assholes.  i can't wait to see them suffer and pay for all theyve created. 

solace

on the night of the full moon of march, i smoked some medicinal mj, took out a good amount of my gems, rocks, and minerals.  there was an amethyst that is special to me because it was a gift from my uncle, a nice piece of amber, my favorite chunk of quartz crystal i have been carrying around with me for the last week, a rock with holes in it that i think came from the sea (it belongs to my father), (stones with holes in them are supposed to be like, extra super special to the Goddess), a beautiful mint green rock i'd found that day amongst my dad's massive collection, and a few other rocks i picked out from the said collection that looked good to me.  i surrounded myself in a circle of all of these rocks, beneath the full moon, in the lush backyard, the beauty of it...oh...anyways, i brought out a bundle of cleansings herbs, including but not limited to: sage,rosemary, roses.  a new white taper candle for the full moon...a bowl of spring water, OH! and i also scattered sea salt around the circle as well.  i felt the electricity in the air before i even started...just sitting in the circle, in the atmosphere of the night sounds, and just sat there and already felt a beautiful feeling.  a feeling i feel so rarely.  a spark, a spark that feels giddy,like butterflies, and good..just..benevolence, happiness, love, a feeling of all is perfectly well.  this feeling is usually quite foreign to me.  then i proceeded to sit there and i invoked the god and the goddess, and then meditated and listened and felt.  as i closed my eyes it was just nothing but every kind of beautiful image i know of,  flashing like flash cards of random images...places i go to in my dreams, a fuzzy, out of focus looking woman in white with the sun shining brightly behind her, blonde hair, the goddess i assume, roses, flowering, sunny fields, you know...nature...nature in perfection, nature before man...heaven.  sometimes i think when i have these particular dreams when i'm in this world that feels like paradise...but it is very reminiscent of the world i'm in now...i think it's the earth's subtle body, or astral body...where the earth still exists in a perfect, untouched, virgin form.  when i have these dreams, they aren't really dreams i can recall verbally, or even so much as what i see and do in them, it's the feelings that i keep from them the most.  these feelings are completely incomparable to the way anything in waking life could ever make me feel...is is the most perfectly happy, daydream feeling and there is not even anything i could compare it to, these feelings mostly exist in that otherworld where there are things the concious mind can't comprehend in this dimension...if i could just get myself to start doing this more often....i'd be such a better person.

i'm sorry, sweet baby

to the sweet soul of my womb who never was, who didn't have the chance, who through no fault of his or her own was terminated due to the foolishness of youth, the selfishness of youth, the naivete of youth...it is so many years later and i still cry for you.  it is the only regret i have in my life.  i pray that maybe you weren't meant to be.  maybe it was divine intervention that put the whole process in motion because otherwise your life would have been too hard...this may be foolish thinking, but it does make me feel only the tiniest bit better about it.  i am so sorry.   i never had the sweet opportunity of meeting you.  i hope with all of my being that your end was not traumatic.  i hope i one day meet you on the other side.  i hope you are an angel now and you have found it in your spirit soul to forgive me.  maybe you've already been born as something else and maybe i've even already met you.  maybe that's why i have the weird inclination to make eye contact with every human being i walk by...subconciously hoping to see you in their eyes...because i just want to wrap you in my love and cry my sorrows for what became of you...the truth is i wanted to keep you, but i let the selfish influence of the father convince me not to, and because i was so young, being kept in his life and on his good side was more important to me then.  this disgusts me so much today.  im so sorry, sweet baby.  i will think about you for the rest of my life....

mental health

it's another one of those days, where i literally feel the clutter around me mirrored inside my head.  and i keep trying to clear and organize the clutter, everyday, but i only get the chance to clear one thing here or there before i'm inevitably interrupted, attention diverted, sometimes rather sharply diverted toward some new disaster or crisis.  and then just add that to the clutter!  one step forward, 5 steps backward, every single day.  i'm being buried alive by crap.  i see myself in the mirror, my eyes don't look like they used to.  they look red and tired and clouded and old.  just let me catch up! please! just let me straighten it all out so i can finally get to that elusive first day of the rest of my life.  pop some pills to forget it all.  buried down a little deeper. go to sleep. wake up, do it all again. i'm sure i'm like countless million others that are living the life they never ever imagined for themself.  there was a time i thought i was special.  and now i'm whining about it like so many countless others! :)  i want to scream at the top of my lungs, but i don't even know if i could find my voice to do that.  ive tried and a pathetic little whimper/cry is all that comes out.

sometimes

i once made love with someone who is no longer living on this plane of existence and i still can't get over that. we did it all night long with my bloody valentine's loveless  on repeat ...and i will forever and ever think of that night whenever i listen to loveless now. it 's a beautiful, beautiful memory that i never ever want to forget. He was a little intimidated by me at first, i think. i was 4 years older. i will always hear his voice telling me in a hushed whisper so as ot to wake roommates, "youre so sexy" as i walked up to him in my black nylon calvin klein undies and nobra but self-concsiously covering my breasts. i melted into his body at that, but sadly thats all ireally recall. i do know it was a blur of sheer ecstacy between two young beautiful people, sharing ourselves freely with each other. He had an old soul. He was a special one, an awakened one, a talented one with impeccable style. miss your middle of the night phone calls, J. im so glad your gum fell out of your mouth onto my bed now on the last time i ever saw you.