Just let me sleep!

yes i am so tired.  i created this blog because i am so tired. i just need a place to vent and just be me.  half the time i have no idea what is going on.  i think i'm so depressed, but there is this mask of chemicals suppressing the acknowledgement of its existence.  i just want to be honest.  sometimes i am so tired of being a mother.  sometimes i just want to scream my head off.  i swear tonight i just wanted to fall to the ground and sob and just give up.  just let him take over and ruin and destroy everything and then he'd probably end up killing himself in the process......so that is why i could not do that.  but i wanted to cry.  i really just wanted to have a good cry.    i..i..i'm just so alone.  so alone in this huge important all inclusive job.  it's so hard.  god! it's so hard.  these last 3 years ive never once felt like i needed to escape.  but lately i do feel that way.  ive been seeking windows lately, anything...get me the hell out of here!  oh i love him so much.  i love him more than anything, yes, you know that, we all know that.  i love going to sleep at night.  the places i go to in my dreams......wow!  it really can be like that demi moore movie that no one saw, where she was living in her dream life and also her real life, and she couldn't remember which was the real one anymore.  i don't have that problem.  but that dream life...man, it's rich.  most of the time.  sometimes it's just the opposite.  but not lately.  i go to paradise places.  with paradise situations.  i wake up and my heart feels alive with those shadow memories....those dream places....good god, those dream places...